Holy Crap!!

The most AMAZING THING happened last night. Oliver Grey Kokai-Means went to bed at 8 (a little later than normal because I had car issues and was late getting home) and then slept.... until 4:30 in the morning!!!! Then he got up, drank some milk, and slept until 8!!! HE SLEPT ALL DAMN NIGHT!!! Not the stupid baby book all night (five hours) BUT ACTUALLY ALL NIGHT. At 4 Eric and I both woke up and I feared he might be dead so we went to check on him, and there he was snoozing peacefully.

Lately he has been getting better about putting himself to sleep (he just wants Eric's hand on his back or for him to stay in the room, but he doesn't want to be rocked so much), or sleeping for longer periods. We've had our fingers crossed that he was teaching himself to sleep. We know that CIO (crying it out) won't work for him, so we had to just hope that he would eventually get the idea. Which it seems like he's doing! People said that their babies learned at around a year, but I had to admit I didn't have so much faith. In fact, Eric and I were joking about what we wanted for Christmas and I said "For Ollie to sleep through the night" and as if he psychically heard me he did!

Maybe he's just trying to ensure he doesn't totally lose access to milk from me because I'm having health problems lately that seem to be leading inexorably towards weaning. Yesterday my neurologist told me he wasn't comfortable giving me any preventative migraine meds until I weaned Ollie. All I could have was more Tylenol with Codeine (I did get an anti-nausea medicine this time too). This is after I was forced to accept that I needed to take a decongestant (which might dry up my milk) because I was so sick with this cold that I couldn't breathe. I spent two days gasping for air and gave up (and I felt SO much better when I took the medicine). I had planned to let Ollie nurse as long as he wanted (especially since the WHO says to nurse him to 2 years). I wanted weaning to be like sleep, a natural gradual decision on all of our parts. But it seems like Mama's body is falling apart. I know that a year is good, better than good considering my mom did a few months on each of us before quitting and we're still intelligent folk (healthy is another question, obviously). It's a really hard decision and I don't know what to do. I decided to go with the Tylenol until February when we get back into town and he is a year.

Honestly, I don't mind putting his needs ahead of mine as long as it is something he actually *needs*. I am not sure how I feel about nursing after a year. Is it something he needs or something that would be nice to do? Is it worth enduring more and more frequent headaches and auras that render me unable to function? Disrupting all of our work schedules? It would seem on an intellectual level that the answer to that is no. On an emotional level my baby boy is growing up so fast! He's so independent these days. And at the same time, this is freaking him out. He's gotten very clingy of me of late. When I walk into a room he shrieks and has to climb up me and hug my neck really tight like he's afraid I'll leave. It seems like his independence is making him feel like he's unsure I'll still be there for him and he wants to make sure our relationship is solid. In that sense, now would be the WORST time to wean him. It would be like, hey buddy, you don't need your mama anymore. Go thrive on your own! Right now I think he needs the nursing time to reconnect and feel assured I still love him and will still be there all the time. So on a physical level, maybe it would be the best idea for us to quit soon. On an emotional level, neither of us seem ready. Arrgh. This is so tough.

On the other hand, I just had to lower the contrast on my laptop monitor significantly because the screen was so bright it was hurting my head. And I've had to be careful with the TV lately because flickering images give me migraines.

Well clearly some kind of decision has to be made. Luckily it doesn't have to be made until February.